I started the Name That Bastard blog as a funny, silly way to find a name for the bad guy in my second book, A Girl Like You. I knew what he’d do to be such a bastard – I just didn’t know what he’d be called.

It’s a pretty basic blog. I made a little border as an homage to classic bastards (Bruce Patman, here’s to you) and then I set it free. And the emails poured in. Sometimes vitrolic, sometimes impassioned, sometimes very, very funny. And often all three.

Some people commented that the blog was like free therapy. I love that. It’s also oddly comforting to know that everyone has a bastard story or two. It doesn’t mean we’re not awesome. It just means we’re human.


As one of my friends pointed out, we can’t possibly choose the most bastardy of bastard stories. A bastard is a bastard, whether he just stopped calling or ran over your cat on purpose whilst snogging your sister. So these are simply the 10 bastards that people have responded to the most. You can see them after the jump.

After you’ve read them, please email me and let me know your favourite bastard name, or add it in a comment at the end of the blog.


Simon was into world of warcraft. When I asked him to stop raiding to spend time with me, he’d say ‘sure, honey, one minute’ . . . .then while I was IN THE SAME ROOM he would say to his friends online ‘I have to go guys, my girlfriend is nagging me. What a bitch!’.

Whenever he wanted to fail an interview or make a coldcalling recruiter go away, he’d pretend to have my degree and my grades.

He called my best friend’s boyfriend gay to her face, because he was a vegan. This was after getting high and trying to sleep with her, then calling me to brag about it.

He told my father about the time I got drunk and passed out at a work party.

He accused my mother of lying to him and trying to defraud him.

He had a public fight with my best friend over whether a company can EVER act unethically. He didnt believe they could, because ‘unethical companies get shut down’. Yeah.

Ten days after I left him after a three year relationship, he got a new girlfriend who was skinnier and prettier than me. He then kicked me out our house for two weeks while she came to visit. And then left messages on my facebook calling me a whore. She did give him an STD though.

Oh, and he still wants the £25 I owe him from over a year ago when I accidentally (really!) damaged his car.


Your bastard should definitely be named Chris. I have had long-term relationships with 3 Chrises, all were bastards.

You want chapter and verse? Oooh, I think the worst would be when Chris said ‘should I get the baby paternity-tested?’ – we’d been married 2 years when the baby was born and I’ve never been unfaithful to him.

I did freelance work for an ex named Chris and – between various one-night-stands – he conned me into doing 2K worth of work for his company without mentioning they were going bankrupt. So I didn’t get paid.

Another Chris loved to play mind games and bullshit – he was another manipulative, untrustworthy bastard.

In my experience all Colins are nice guys and almost all Chrises are bastards. (Don’t believe me? Colin Firth. Enough said.)


This isn’t exactly a bastard story, but at a party once I was chatted up by a friend of a friend.
Andy’s opening line was: “I may not be the best looking man in here, but I’m the only one talking to you”.
More of a dick than a bastard, really.


Henry regularly got so drunk that he wouldn’t recognise me and once came on to me saying ‘my girlfriend will never find out’!! I WAS HIS GIRLFRIEND!


Curtis signed me up for a minimarathon without my knowledge and to be honest against my will and said ‘i think you’ll really appreciate the results. Less chocolate, more running’. wanker.


I went out with Steve when i was 21 and too stupid to know better – I.E., he never rang when he said he would ring, was always half an hour late for me, rubbished my taste in movies (and my taste in movies is AWESOME), never remembered any of my friends names or introduced me to any of his. eventually we broke up for perfectly aimiable reasons but now looking back i think, fuck me, what a bastard.


There are so many reasons why everyone called Dave is a bastard

Dave number 1- dated me whilst living with his girlfriend of 10 years- bastard

Dave number 2- dated my best friend when we were at uni in Edinburgh (he lived in newcastle and “never had time to visit her in Scotland”), waited until we went to London for the weekend and then he came up to Edinburgh and shagged another girl (yes I just said shagged, it seemed appropriate in an Austin powers kind of way, who incidentally is also a bit of a bastard)

Dave number 3- smashed my phone on the ground because I refused to kiss him. then ran away with my chips

Dave number 4- kissed people even when he had a coldsore- that is just disgusting- herpes bastard


I had a very intense fling with this guy when i was travelling in south america, found out afterwards that he only did he have a live-in girlfriend back in london, but they also owned a dog together. i mean that’s worse than having a baby.


This is the adulterous cock sucker who had an affair with my ex of 5 years.
His name is Miles.
Kill him. In print.


Harry was not just an idiot, he was an idiot who thought himself intelligent. He spoke entirely in london slang, despite the fact he was from cornwall, and his speech was littered with grammatical errors and malapropisms. he said to me once: that mug is like well esoteric isn’t it? He made me a mix cd consisting entirely of emo music and made me listen to the whole thing going, yeah, i am so good at this. (what harry, making a terrible mix cd?) Because I am an imbecile, I used to cook him dinner every night like a good wife and he would stay in my room to sleep (we lived in halls) and he told my friends we were exclusive. However, while this was going on he would disappear, not reply to texts or calls, then suddenly turn up again. When it got stupid, ie saying he was going to the shop and would be gone for hours, i decided to check his phone. lo and behold he was sleeping with some other girl. when i phoned him to confront him, he said ‘WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT WHO IS THIS GIRL?’ despite that fact he had actually mentioned he had a ‘friend” called lizzie before. then he said ‘well i dun not think we were going out den anyway’ despite the fact he bloody well practically lived at my house. then when i told him to fuck off and that i never wanted to see him again, he came out with this gem: ‘oh..does that mean we’re not going out anymore?’

Share Button

16 thoughts on “BATTLE OF THE BASTARDS

  1. Anonymous

    obvi i have to go with Dave, but i'm partial to a bit of Curtis. would also like to disagree that all Colin's are nice, Colin Farrell? clearly a bastard x

  2. Anonymous

    How can a woman go past Dave as the name of a perfect bastard? I went out with one for three years. He let me know it was over by going out on a foursome with his 'new' girlfriend, my best friend and a friend of his. We had been out the night before when everything had seemed OK. What can I say?

  3. Anonymous

    Andy.. If that was his opening comment she's lucky she never found out what a REAL bastard he was.. x

  4. Anonymous

    Adding in for Simon here. Not only the most awful story (though why on earth did she stay with him?) but also reminds me of a Simon who went out with my friend.

    It was the innocent days of the start of uni, and she was super-innocent herself, so they'd shared a bed but not done anything much else beside this. Then (pretty much just as she'd decided she would quite like to go the whole way with him) she woke up to find him furiously masturbating beside her. On being questioned, he said 'If you won't put out, then I have to do something. If it's any consolation, I was thinking of you…. Perhaps you'd like to help?'

    She dumped him. That helped.



Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Current month ye@r day *