On… good dirty books

Everyone is talking about Fifty Shades of Fucking Grey (that was the original title, you know).
I only read the first chapter. I couldn’t bear to continue, it’s so poorly written and edited. The dialogue is pathetic.  The girl is such a loser. I’m not surprised that the dude wants to beat her senseless, after just a few pages I wanted to give her a good slap, too.
But like I said, everyone is talking about it. Everyone is reading it. So the reason must be that everyone is after a bit of woo-woo, and by ‘woo-woo’ I mean ‘banging’. Hey! No judgments here. We’ve all got fun bits, we may as well play with them.
After thinking about it, I decided that the people who are wriggling with delight at the descriptions of banging in FSOFG have never read any other dirty books. Ever. Because there’s a lot of them out there, dudes, and just about all of them are better than that. Even the shit is better than that.

Fanny Hill aka Memoirs Of A Woman Of Pleasure. Think Jane Austen meets Fifty Shades Of Grey. A story about a girl who accidentally becomes a prostitute and all the sexcapades she gets up to. 

Judith Krantz. I was reading Jude, as I call her, long before I even had my first kiss, which is kind of fucked up now that I think about it. But damn, she writes a good sex scene. Try Princess Daisy, or Scruples. You can get all of these in the US, but for some reason they’re out of print in the UK – probably because the UK publishing industry has, by all accounts, decided to stop actually publishing books apart from FSOFG – but the wondrous Book Depository has the US editions and will deliver worldwide for free.
Shirley Conran. Lace. I don’t remember much about this book, I have a feeling it’s terrible. But I remember some deeply unhygienic and kinky shit with a goldfish.

The StoryOf O. Very famous, very weird book. It all gets a bit intense and if someone ever tried those moves with me they’d get a swift kick to the nuts, but everyone else in the world is clearly gagging to get beaten senseless by a stalker billionaire. So what the fuck do I know.

Jilly Cooper writes very funny sex scenes. Lines like ‘he dived into her bush as joyfully as an otter into a garden stream’ come to mind. (Bush! Awesome word.) Funny as hell, but probably won’t juice your orange, if you know what I mean. You should read Riders if you feel like laughing out loud.
And no, I don’t write sex scenes. It’s just not my bag, baby. If I did, I’d probably write something like ‘his cock was so angry I felt like giving it a cuddle and a cup of tea before continuing’ or ‘I came like a train, annoyingly late and not without a fair amount of stop-and-starts along the way’ or something like that.  And that wouldn’t fry anyone’s burger, now, would it?
Anyone got any other recommendations?

EDIT: This is the funniest thing I have read in a long, long time. Thank you Lisa for sending it to me…


Share Button

9 thoughts on “On… good dirty books

  1. al

    I'd recommend anything by Sarra Manning (i.e. "You Don't Have To Say You Love Me"). She writes beautifully and the sex scenes are natural and realistic and sometimes awkward.

  2. Anonymous

    Haha So glad to see this post. I am sick of seeing middle aged women at work blushing and guffawing about this book which I too have not read.
    Not to be too dramatic, but it annoys the hell of me that they have used this book as a licence to talk about sex and get all lurid and weird on me when previously they have only wished me good morning.
    Reminds me of peeps who have 1 glass of wine and pretend to be drunk so they can say all the stuff they've always wanted to say. I read a couple of pages and couldn't believe how wooden the writing is. Well at least it keeps em busy and away from all the good stuff at the Library :) I'd say rant over but I don't think it is.

  3. Alessa

    You're so awesome! Thanks for having the stones to comment about 50 Shades. Every single one of my friends are saying it's the worst book ever written, but their curiosity got the better of them and simply HAD to see what it was all about, which is weird because, as you pointed out, it's not the first risque book to ever hit bookshelves.

    I recommend any book by Nora Roberts. It's not rife with explicit sex scenes, but it's enough to make you a bit warm on the train ride into work.

  4. William Kendall

    I've read some fun erotica, very sexy stuff…

    Everything I've heard about 50 Shades is negative. Badly written, started out as Twilight fan fic (a huge strike against it for me), and it establishes a power balance in the relationship really out of balance (college student and billionaire… you already know that's out of whack going in).

    Add to that the idea that the whole thing seems based on one sided domination and humiliation… sorry, not interested in reading it.

  5. pollyn316

    Must admit, I was slightly concerned for my bladder control when I read the line from the Jilly Cooper book! Brilliant. And, the red lemonade blog? Brilliant. In-freaking-credible.

  6. SuzanneLouise

    Thank God someone agrees. I thought, I was the only woman in the world who found fifty shades utterly boring and deflating.
    Let's not even get into the REPETITIVE sex scenes – yawn.

    I put it down,picked up and re-read 'A Girl Like You' – Truth.
    My brain needed kickstarting,wit and intelligence all rolled into one. Oh, and something close to reality.
    It made me VERY happy, that's how I found myself here.

  7. Yellow Butterfly

    Hi Gemma,

    Saw one of your books while buying chicken breasts (no pun intended) in Hamburg, Germany. Can't remember the title, just made sure I memorized your name and looked you up (I'm an aspiring writer). So got into reading your blog and jeez, you're funny, I just laughed out loud with your description of your potential stab at soft-porn. The train thingy really gave me the giggles! Love Fanny Hill but alternate it with Anais Anin, classic! 50 Shades…worse spent 7 quid! Can't get over 10th page (with effort) but want to get my money's worth – the thought of reading the full thing fills me with dread though. Yep, totally get your point about wanting to give her a few slaps. My sentiments exactly!
    Keep up the good work lady, loved Detox trailer. Will defo order the film. Sleep well. Miss D.

  8. Fiona

    Um… can you PLEASE write some erotica? Because your two examples had me literally, no really I mean literally, laughing out loud.

  9. Jessica

    Ha! I love this! I could not agree more about Fifty Shades. I really don't understand the hype, like you said it is a very poorly written novel. You're absolutely my favourite new author, highly entertaining and I can't wait to read more of your work. In the meantime I'll be following your blog :) Wishing you much success!!


Leave a Reply to Anonymous Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Current month ye@r day *