On…Ghostbusters Leave a reply I saw Ghostbusters today. It’s SO good, you guys. It gave me a WHEE feeling of UTTER HEARTBUSTING GLEE. I saw it with my almost-12-year-old niece who is visiting NYC from Ireland (and Fox and my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and 14-year-old nephew). My niece asked me on the way out “Who’s your favorite? I like Holtzman! She’s so cool.” And I was like ME TOO. Then I thought, how fucking awesome that girls of her generation get to have these Ghostbusters! And I almost burst into tears. Because those movies were never FOR US before. They were for men! But we’re used to the patriarchy after a million years, so we just sort of got on with the fact that the women in comedy action movies like Fletch and Die Hard and Beverly Hills Cop (and Rush Hour and Bad Boys and Men In Black and everything, everything, everything else) were interchangeable, forgettable bimbos/wives, and the cool/funny/smart people were always, always men. We didn’t complain too much because frankly, we’ve only had the vote a hundred years, we were just happy that we’re allowed to know how to fucking read. But now we have this! These fucking hilarious brilliant smart cocky awesome female Ghostbusters! When I was her age, we never had movies about women talking about physics with out being self-deprecating or embarrassed or teasing each other about it. We never had female franchises where the women were funny in a way NOT related to love (and certainly not in a hopeless, I’m-borderline-unable-to-function-in-the-world way). We never had movies or TV shows where women were action heroes you’d actually want to have a drink with, who weren’t wearing latex/ and who are action heroes without – AND THIS IS KEY – without being overtly pouty perfect sexy. Because, yes, we had some funny female superheroes, especially on TV. But they were sexy. Buffy? Kick-ass smart-ass in fuck-me-boots and a blow-out. Ditto Alias. Ditto Welcome To The Dollhouse. Black Widow? Come ON. She’s wearing latex corset or some shit. Tomb Raider? Angelina Jolie was genetically engineered for men, and she knows it, and we all know it too. Angelina Jolie would not piss on me if I was on fire, that’s how much she hates women. Milla Jovovich? I happen to love The Fifth Element, and she’s great in it, but she’s wearing like a tampon wrapper and a rubber hairband around her body. I watched those movies and I felt bad about my body. And the women in those movies aren’t even funny. They have the odd one-liner put-down to keep the hero in his place (ah, the Rachel from Friends approach to humor) but the real funny is left to the men. The cocky, quirky, arrogant, smart-as-fuck humor? Only. For. The. Men. The only kick-ass feminist sexy-but-not-like-that female hero I can think of, actually, is Sigourney Weaver in the Alien movies, and she was awesome. But not funny. And maybe Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, but even in that horrific yellow outfit, she was seen through a sexual lense at all times. Remember those close-ups of her toes? You could practically feel Quentin’s toe-boner. Ew. Plus, again, not particularly funny. And maybe Jamie Lee Curtis, in True Lies, she was amazing, and that movie made a zillion dollars. But the scene where she discovers her inner superhero spy power is when she stripteases down to her underwear for a man she thinks is a French spy of some kind, and I remember most of the press being about her bangin’ bod. Sigh. It wasn’t that these Ghostbusters look bad – they look fucking great – but they don’t look good FOR MEN. It’s FOR ME. And girls. I have no idea how big any of their tits are, but I could pick ScarJo’s tits out of a line-up, that’s how much I have been exposed to them. I think also Kate McKinnon is sexier than any of the original Ghostbusters, and don’t get me wrong, I drive stick (sidetone: I have a real Harold Ramis thing). But I ADORE her. I want her to do the next Die Hard movie. I want her to do Fletch. If no one is making new big movies any more – and look around, dude, they’re not, not really – then, fuck it. Let’s take the good ones from the 80s, the ones that had bullshit bimbo/wife roles for women, and make them with female leads. PLEASE. SOMEONE. DO IT. Anyway. Go! Go. Enjoy. It’s great. You’ll love it. And help make it a success because these things matter. I don’t know why I’ve been writing funny romantic female empowerment books/tv shows/movies all these years, actually. Ima go write some action movies. Laterz.