On… an email that I love

I have an email to share with you.

I got it a few months ago, opened it by mistake, read the whole thing as it made me laugh so much, and every now and again I remember it and think ‘I should so blog about that’.

Yeah, it’s a phishing scam spam thing.

But it’s strange and hilarious and kind of beguiling.

The first few paragraphs are, though lexically tickling for the copywriter, rather predictable. So if you’re in a hurry, skip to the paragraph starting ‘Yes it’s true the world is a global place’.


FedEx UK Head Office
Parkhouse Industrial Estate
East Chesterton
Tel (+44) 7024018994
Date:17/09/2011

Attention: Dear Valued Beneficiary,

CLAIM NOTIFICATION.

This is to notify you that your parcel is still in our possession, this parcel contained an International Cashier Bank Draft/Cheque worth the sum of $1,500,000.00(One Million five hundred Thousand USA dollars)only and it is ready for delivery to your door step. Meanwhile, before the delivery or shipment will take place, you are advice to send to us the following data’s

mention below:

1. Your full Name :
2. Residential Address:
3. Private Telephone:

The above requested information’s will enable us deliver your parcel correctly without any mistake or delivering your parcel to a wrong person. Further more, you might be asking yourself how comes this email, cheque or draft, Anyway, your cheque was brought to this office by a Lottery Fiduciary Agent Or Claim Agent, signifying that you are a rightful winner to their Lottery Award selected randomly from 10 lucky email addresses which your email address is one of the lucky email address.

FedEx Courier Service mailing you as per your parcel that was brought to this company to be delivered to you by the lottery groups, along the delivery process that brought a misunderstanding between you and the lottery claim agent and in regards of their request as per their insurance certificate cost, tax fee and lots of other universal corps and drug searches which happened to be the course of your parcel being pending for the past months/year.

Meanwhile we are hereby happy to inform you that the FedEx Company has finalized and resolved the whole issued with the legal offices like the International Monetary of Funds(IMF),and the Internal Revenue Service(IRS) offices, the company organization has also listed 24 valuable parcel’s to be intact in their office after the released of the parcel’s from universal corps and drug searches.

We are happy to inform you once again that your parcel that contains the sum of $1,500,000.00 is among the 24 parcel’s listed which is now in our office and also with your name as the receivers despise, that we lost your private residential address’s, which is an indication that you can now re-send your residential address, telephone as stated above back to the FedEx Company where your parcel can be delivered to you without hesitation.

Meanwhile remember that the sender of this parcel to you that’s the fiduciary agent still owes this company the sum of $121 usd before the incident occurs, Note that this fee is not just for delivery but with the immigration and customs stamp duty, this company has spend out of their incomes in the process by the recovering back your parcel? so dear customer we once again appreciate your patronage in our favour.

Without hesitations you are to pay for just the balance left by your sender since we have lost his contact. this payment have to be made via Western Union Money Transfer or Money Gram with the below payment information so that your parcel can be delivered to your residential address before it accumulate a demurrage after one week, only,as you know your parcel is not just an ordinary parcel but with a huge amount and I think you understand what I mean by accumulating a demurrage?

Which you will not allow that to happen to your recovered parcel that almost gone if not for the love that God have for you by favoring you with his favor by now there could have been no hope at all.We assure you that your parcel will arrive at your home country in two days time and it will get to your door step the third day as soon as this company receive the balance payment of $121 usd the tracking number of your parcel will be sent to you via e-mail immediately so that you can track it yourself to see your parcel on the way and you will also know when it will arrive at your home country because we operate in trust and loyalty in your favor. And also the FedEx Courier Service hereby inform all their customers through this media by heradicating all their communication with the scam mails that are going all-over the world be careful with their e-mails so that your parcel will not be in danger with their evil planes.

FedEx provides access to a growing global market place through a network of supply chain, transportation, business and related information services.

Yes it’s true that the world is a global place that people would easily go and scam people most especially on the net because the internet is the easiest way to reach to people and making them believe that the transaction they are offering is real. Therefore i must say that you deemed it fit and did right for explaining all to me in details so that you won’t misunderstood the whole issue.

I need you to know that i’m a man of dignity and keeps to my word. It’s therefore an insult on my face and on me as a person for you to have thought that i belong to those imposters, though i saw your reasons.By the virture of a man’s word, you could tell who is geniue and not.Though have been involved in such like this does not mean that when you see a legit one you can’t tell it’s really. God our creator has different ways of restoring all our wasted years and this is the restoration that the lord has ordained for you.

Furthermore, i would want you to know that there is scam in the globe and i would advice you to be careful with the kind of emails you reply to so that you won’t be a victim of circumstance anymore . it’s my duty to protect your interest and also advice you on legal matters on how to go about it. I promise you will be revived and regain all that you’ve ever dreamt of at the end.You must also know that you will be surprised that the delivery will be made to you as soon as you make the payment and at that point and level of success, you will live to remain greatful to me, I want you to have your mind rest and make a delivery choice and your consignment will get to you safely with any more problem.

PAYMENT INFORMATION FOR THE IMMIGRATION AND CUSTOMS STAMP DUTY CHARGES BEFORE DELIVERY EFFECT, FIND BELOW the information for Western Union or Money Gram to enable you make the payment of $121 usd before the delivery commence:

Receivers Name: Diakunu Standwell
Receivers Address: Accra Ghana
Senders Name: ————
senders Address:————
Text Question: In God?
Answer: We Trust
MTCN or REF Number:————–

Amount to be sent: $121 US Dollar

Please you have to send the full payment information including the MTCN Number to enable us fully proceed on your delivery FedEx is one of the world’s greatest successful story, the start-up that revolutionized the delivery of packages and information. In the past 30 years, we’ve grown up and grown into a diverse family of companies as FedEx that’s bigger, stronger, better than ever.

Mr.Steven Billias
email: stevbillias0@secretarias.com
WAITING TO READ YOUR E-MAIL.
YOURS AFFECTIONATLY.

FEDEX COURIER MANAGING DIRECTOR..
FEDEX BROCAST DESK
Agent Jan Ward

Don’t you find the ranting-yet-patient tone of voice so charming? “I think you understand what I mean by a demurrage?”

From now on when I’m pissed off, I’m going to say “that is an insult to my face and me as a person”.

I almost hope the dude got some money. I feel like he earned it.

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On… a new lip balm

Last night I was almost asleep when I realised I’d forgotten to apply lip balm. Dry lips are the bane of my life (uh, after my eyebrows… and the perma-hangnail on my thumb… and – oh, never mind, back to the point), so I drenched up the energy to reach into my nightstand and fumble around the mess for my trusty tube of Homeoplasmine .

It was not there.

Instead I pulled out a tube of Lanisoh nipple balm, the most useless item I bought when I was pregnant. I never needed it. My puppies adjusted to breastfeeding pretty effortlessly, bless their not-that-little souls.

So I gazed at the tube of Lanisoh sleepily through my lashes, thought ‘fuck it, if babies are allowed to eat it it must be safe enough’, and smeared some on my lips. It’s very thick and clear, like a balmy-paste thing. It doesn’t taste or smell of anything, either.

I woke up eight hours later with the stuff STILL ON, lips perfectly plump and moisturised, no cracks, not even a hint of dryness.

I thought you guys should know about it.

Best. Lipbalm. Ever.

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On… getting dressed

I’ve figured out the major flaw in the whole ‘being a fulltime writer’ thing.

Clothes.

Back when I was copywriting 9 to 5, I looked forward to getting dressed. I’m that kind of girl. I like clothes, I like looking good, I like makeup, I like all of it. I like putting on my iPod, striding to the tube, getting a takeaway coffee, and looking at people and shops and the morning unfolding around me, all with that happy little inner fizz that you feel when you’re happy with what you’re wearing.

Now, for most of this year, being pregnant made getting dressed a chore, and it coincided with, almost exactly, the moment I stopped copywriting. I felt like shit, I looked like shit. My boobs became crazy Jane Russell missiles seven months before their cue (by the way, I have no idea how anyone can dress if they have big boobs, they’re honestly a living hell). My skin was dry, my lips were cracked, I kept breaking blood vessels in my face from throwing up. To sum up: I did not do the whole elegant glowing thing.

But now that I’m not pregnant anymore (yay!), and fitting back into my old clothes (double yay!), I’ve realised that I now wear about 2% of my wardrobe.

Fact: this is what I have worn for most of the past two weeks.

One of Fox’s old jumpers that looks a bit like this.


Boyfriend jeans. (Actually, mine are from H&M; and just huge, worn and ripped thanks to the natural wear and tear of time, but if I had money to burn, I’d get the Current Elliott ones too.)


Pink thermal socks (or army green thermal socks, depending on the day). I hate having cold feet.


Grey slippers.


My hair is always in messy bun thing, and despite owning more makeup than I’ll ever actually admit to, I don’t wear anything except La Roche-Posay Anthelios SPF50.

This is what I write in. I look, frankly, terrible. If I had to name it, it’d be something like Colourblind Sloth. I’ve contemplated getting properly dressed, just for the hell of it, but putting on a blazer and changing the socks and slippers for heels (which is pretty much all I would need to make the above outfit office-appropriate, in my eyes) to walk from the bedroom to my office is even stupider than being upset about the current lack of reasons to get dressed. N’est-ce pas?

PS Oh, I meant to say. One thing I do wear every day, without fail, is perfume. And, after months of nothing but L’Eau de Rien by Miller Harris, I have a new scent obsession.

Mure et Musc by L’Artisan Parfumeur. It. Is. Divine. ‘Mure’ is blackberry in French, ‘musc’ is – you guessed it, you clever thing, you – musk. It’s not too sweet, not too fruity, not too anything… just gentle and sexy and yummy. Love it. If you’re not near somewhere you can sniff it, you can buy a Mure et Musc sample for US$3 at LuckyScent. While you’re at it, try L’Eau de Rien, too. It’s sort of warm, salty and lickable. Goddamnit, I love being a girl.

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On… The Nail Files


Voila my story THE NAIL FILES for Tatler magazine! I hope it doesn’t offend anyone. If you ask me to write 900 words about what I like and dislike about nails, you’re gonna get some snark.

This story was in the October issue, which you can track down if you call the Conde Nast old issues office, or if your local newsagent is particularly lazy.

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On… The Boytician

Missed the September issue of Tatler magazine? (For shame!)

Here’s The Boytician piece that I wrote. Hope you enjoy it…

I’ll post The Nail Files piece from the October issue tomorrow. It’s somewhere in my inbox, I just can’t find it because, you know, I’m shit like that. My next Tatler piece isn’t out till the New Year…

I highly recommend Tatler, by the way, my friends, and not just because I get to write silly little stories for them, but just because it’s kind of ace. It’s been totally transformed this year and is now the ONLY high-end glossy fashion magazine that is smart, sharp and – here’s the kicker – funny. (Trust me. I read all of them. American, British and French. It’s an expensive but highly enjoyable addiction.)

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On… Fraggle Rock

So, I was playing on YouTube the other morning, looking for old Sesame Street clips to play to Errol, and I found this.

Awesome. Song.
Also, reminded me how scary I found Fraggle Rock. Being stuck in the dark underground with giant monsters above and things living in the rocks all around you and constantly static hair? Petrifying.

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On… a book print

I love this print.

It’s from 20×200.

I want to commission one with my favourite books.

But then I’d have to decide what my favourite books are and oh God, that would be a nightmare.

Because how on earth do you choose your favourite books?

Do you choose the books that stunned you and made you gaze at the world / yourself / writing in a different way? (For me, that’d be – off the top of my head – A Farewell To Arms by Ernest Hemingway, A History Of The World In 10 1/2 Chapters by Julian Barnes, A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers.)

Or books that you couldn’t put down, that you kissed and stroked and nuzzled with delight as you were reading them? (For me: The Three Musketeers by Alexander Dumas, Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris, This Is Where I Leave You by Jonathan Tropper, Persuasion by Jane Austen, Tess Of The D’Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy, Evelina by Fanny Burney, The Best Of Everything by Rona Jaffe – oh golly, this particular list would be very, very long, I love a LOT of books.)

Or books that you loved passionately in the past but have since moved on from? (Anne Of Green Gables, The Babysitter’s Club, Pollyanna, Little Women, Wuthering Heights, anything by Judy Blume, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, etc.)

Or, last but certainly not least, do you choose the books that you’ve read over and over and over again and know like old friends? (Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons, Heartburn by nora Ephron, anything by Jilly Cooper or Nancy Mitford, Lucky Jim by Kingsley Amis and of course dear ol’ Bridget.)

The whole thing just stresses me out. What would you do?

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On… Bombay Bicycle Club

Gnarly band. Gnarly new album. Gnarly Sunday morning song.

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