On… good bad songs

I have a long history of loving good bad songs. I’m not ashamed of it. I truly do love them. I learn all the lyrics. I put them to the top of my iPod playlists. I have special dancemoves for them that involve a lot of miming and shimmying and frowning-head-bobbing.

The other day I began singing this song, and all I can remember is that it’s from about 2002, the guy’s name is Lemar, and I think he won some kind of talent show like Pop Idol. Fuck, I loved this song. This song is SO forgotten that there doesn’t even seem to be a YouTube video for it.

LEMAR, DANCE WITH YOU

Note the extremely short use of a voice equalizer on ONE WORD. Wow, that is some cheap-ass production values right there.

PARIS HILTON, STARS ARE BLIND

I loved this song too. I actually loved the entire album.
Loving Paris Hilton songs means having conversations like this with Chris, my lovely then-art director who is truly into music and used to be in a band and everything:

Me: This is the best song.
Chris: No, it’s really not.

Me: Paris Hilton is really talented.
Chris: No, she isn’t.
Me: Watch, I can do a Paris face. Don’t I look like Paris when I do this face?
Chris: No, you don’t.

(Chris and I found common ground with early 80s new wave music, and this was our Friday song, but it is a really genuinely good song and thus has no place in this post.)

Loving Paris Hilton songs also means bobbing around the DJ box using a bendy straw as a Madonna microphone and trying to get the Djs attention to ask:

Me: Hey, will you please please play Paris Hilton’s Stars Are Blind?

DJ: (incredulous pause) No.

Me: (shouting) WHY NOT?

ABZ, STOP SIGN

Yeah. That’s right. I mean Abz from 5ive. Stop laughing! This is a great fucking song. I listened to it a lot when doing my early-20s elliptical trainer workouts. God, those workouts were boring. And pointless. Back to the point: turn it up and dorkdance your heart out.

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On… Right This Second

What are you doing right this second?

Right this second I am on the sofa, half-watching a Saturday Night Live marathon and half-writing a synopsis for a new project I’ve been thinking about for a while. The baby is asleep and Fox is back in Ireland for a fly-by family visit. He’s back in New York this weekend, and we am planning a couple of dinners out. I want to go here. And here.

I am contemplating eating some toast with Nutella, but it probably won’t happen, partly because I ate my way through Christmas Day like a heartbroken cheerleader and should really step the fuck away from the carbs, and mostly because I am too damn lazy to get up and make it for myself. What else? During the commercial break just now, an ad came on for a tweeny brand of shoes called ‘Daddy’s Money’. I thought was an SNL sketch as it’s so bad. It’s not. It’s a real thing. What the fuck? It reminds me of the time my friend Sarah and I made up pretend perfume names and straplines. Like ‘Patriarchy. Daddy knows best!’  and ‘Solipsism. It’s all about you.’

Tomorrow I am having a seriously overdue PG (Personal Grooming) afternoon. I’m going here. You can figure out why. And here to get highlights. I like to pretend that getting my hair done really doesn’t impact my writing schedule, as I always take my laptop with me and taptaptap away. But I don’t think I can writing during a Brazilian. I am only human.

And that’s the end of my blog. I am doing Right This Second blogs regularly from now on, as it’s so more satisfying (I hope) than my usual crappy Think Of A Theme And Take Three Weeks To Write And Edit A Blog About It. And if you like it, please share your Right This Second stories in the comments.

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On… Merry Christmas

Little Errol is sick with a cough for the first time in his 16 months of life, and as a result is very cuddly and quiet.

This is us on the sofa this afternoon watching In The Night Garden on YouTube. We had planned to take him to Central Park – but really, cuddling was way better.

(By the way, In The Night Garden is the lamest baby show in the history of lame baby shows. My kingdom for a baby show that doesn’t suck.)

Now Errol is in bed, and Fox and I are giftwrapping with red wine and It’s A Wonderful Life. We lost the wrapping tape somewhere and so now we are wrapping with thick brown duct tape, and we just realised we also forgot gifttags so tomorrow we’re going to have to guess what belongs to who. (Whom.) (Who.) (Whatever.)

Hic. Merry Christmas everyone. x

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On… last minute stocking fillers

Feeling bossy? Think your bestfriend/boyfriend/husband/parents/Santa need a little extra last minute shopping help this weekend? Then just forward them this.

Misery Loves Cabernet

I read A Total Waste Of Makeup, by Kim Grunenfelder, earlier this year, and laughed out loud – and I am a brittle ol’bitch, so that’s pretty rare. And now I’m reading the sequel and loving it –and laughing – even more. This book will get you through that interminable stretch between Boxing Day and New Years Eve.

Mousse candle by Diptyque

I am a longterm Baies fan, but in the middle of winter, the rose-blackcurrant sweetness of Baies is too thin and frivolous. When it’s miserable outside, I want something comforting and earthy and foresty. Mousse is meant to smell like the moss that grows on trees in forests. Obviously, I haven’t got a fucking clue what that smells like. But this is lovely. And Diptyque candles are the perfect gift, as they’re the wrong side of extravagant for one to buy for oneself.

Hourglass Lipstick in Icon

The most extraordinarily perfect-for-winter dark red lipstick ever invented. I know, you think you can’t wear red lipstick, but trust me, you can. I won’t bore you with the marketing blurb, but it goes on like a gloss, seals like a lipstick, and lasts through three cocktails, tuna tartare and a steak, medium rare. If you want a lip pencil to go with it, the best I’ve found is MAC Brick. Makes you feel like Veronica Lake or [insert Old Hollywood film noir star of choice].

Smitten Kitchen recipe book

This woman can do no wrong. Her blondie recipe is impossible for even me to fuck up, her banana bread is moist and sweet even if you’re a Nazi mother like me and cut the sugar down to almost nothing, and the gingerbread men – okay, gingerbread penises, it’s a Gemma Burgess tradition – that I made last week are so chewy and spicy and sweet and good that I’m going to make some more for Christmas Day. Plus, she seems funny, kind, cool and normal.

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On… faking photogenia

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote an article for the utterly divine magazine TATLER about the art of being photogenic, or ‘faking photogenia’ as I called it to myself (nb, ‘photogenia’ is not a word). I found out how non-slebs like you and me can take a great photo, do a great pose, and generally, be the sexiest thing on celluloid. (Is it still celluloid? Probably not. Sexiest thing… on a digital screen. On Facebook. Whatever.)

Perhaps because I’m not a journalist, I just happen to write things now and again for magazines, I take this shit very seriously. I spent hours – days! – researching and testing different products that Tatler sent me from Tom Ford, Smashbox, MAC, Dior, Cover FX, Darphin, Stila, etc, and researching photography make-up secrets, grilling my make-up artist friends, searching for celebrity tips, and even asking the make-up pros that I always make friends with (uh, stalk) at MAC Pro stores and Bobbi Brown counters to give me makeovers that I’d then test under flash and natural lighting. No. I am not kidding.

But, in the end, most of the detailed make-up tips had to be cut from the feature. Tragicallah. So here they are. I figure everyone needs to know how to take a better photo, especially at Christmas when the world is full of parties, hangovers and lurking iPhones just waiting to snap you unawares and tag you in the morning.

Step one: skin.
Firstly, a warning: slapping on a thick mask of (insert name of thick pancake foundation of choice HERE) is the No.1 mistake of cameraphobes. You might think it’s giving you a more even complexion, but actually, it absorbs light, making your face look like a whitewashed bungalow: broad, opaque, uninteresting.

You want your skin to look luminous.

Think organic non-drinking vegan yoga instructor on a juice fast. Think post-coital, you know, when the sex was really seriously good, and afterwards you go to the bathroom and look in the mirror and think, ‘God, I am gorgeous, I’d bang me if I was him, too’. So put the Estee Lauder DoubleWear down, stat.

Not many of us wake up with perfect skin, at least, not if we’re leading interesting and socially-fulfilling (ie, sleepless and booze-filled) lives. But you can give yourself a head start: if you have dry skin, cut down on wine and citrus fruits, and take extra Vitamin E and Flaxseed Oil supplements. Darphin sent me a bunch of lovely stuff, particularly the Camomile Essential Oil Elixir, which leaves your skin smoothe, plump and happy, like a well-fed baby after a bath.

If you have oily or combination skin, one of my very good friends swears by her Clarisonic and good old Cetaphil. And if you’re really hungover and your face is just eating your makeup so no matter how much you put on, you still look like shit, then try the REN Glycolactic Peel followed by a nice facial massage with Trilogy Rosehip Oil. Then have a little sit-down and a coffee and a nice big wedge of buttery toast because, let’s face it, you’re probably exhausted just having read this far.

DiorHydraSkin Pore Refining Perfecting Moisturiser is AMAZING. I would never have bought it, I’ve never really used Dior skincare products before, but Tatler sent it to me, so I gave it a churlish try and then my make-up went on flawlessly that I almost wept. I also tried about eleventy Smashbox primer products they sent over and couldn’t get anywhere with them, and MAC Prep and Prime just seemed like a very sloppy gel moisturiser. But this HydraSkin stuff is the shit. (I am sure Dior will be just dying to use that line in their next press release. “This HydraSkin stuff is the shit.” Gemma Burgess, not-very-well-known writer who dabbles in beauty just because she can.)

Next, luminiser.

Dab a pea-sized blob of MAC Strobe Cream (best for beginners and the tube never runs out), Make Up For Ever Gel Uplight in 12 (amazing but hard to get in the UK so order it from the wonderful and not-dodgy-though-it-looks-it StrawberryNet), Benefit SunBeam (small bottle, very very annoying design as you have to use a q-tip to get the last third out), or Shu Uemura Stage Performer Instant Glow (divine, thick, long-lasting,) in the middle of your palm. Using your index finger, smear your product of choice on your face from the outside top of your eyebrows, down around your temples, in over the top of your cheekbones towards – but not touching – your nose. Do you taste my flavour? Sort of a ‘?’ shape. (Or reverse ‘?’) Then blend, blend, and blend some more. (When I write this stuff, I can hear my make-up artist friend’s voice in my head, and she’s Scottish. So I am writing with a slight accent. She was visiting NYC last week and we had a discussion about how to say ‘our’, which I say normlly (I think), and she says ‘ooo-wer’ and Fox, being Irish, says ‘ARGH’. Anyway, back to makeup.)

The right luminiser makes you – duh – luminous, not sparkly, sweaty, shiny or sheeny. There are so many new and wonderful luminisers to choose from now, so don’t just slap on that chunky glittery one you bought for a New Years Eve party four years ago because you will come out looking like you work at Cirque de fucking Soleil. Those are my favourites, you may prefer others. Oh, and a heads-up: I was sent Burberry Fresh Glow and RMS Living Luminizer to try, they are both raved about by all these make-up blogs who are probably hoping to get more free stuff, but I found them both crappy: thin and quick to wear off. (I will never lie to you about make-up, kittenpants.)

Next, apply a light coverage foundation like Bobbi Brown Skin Foundation or Giorgio Armani LuminousSilk to your ruddiest areas. For most of us, that’s the chin and around the nose. With a tiny lipbrush, dab RMS “Un” Cover-Up or Laura Mercier Undercover Pot over any pimples, dark spots or tiny broken blood vessels.  By using very little foundation, and targeting everything on a blotch-by-blotch basis, your skin will look flawless, not fake.

Lastly, lightly dust a translucent powder like MAC Blot Powder or MAC Prep and Prime Transparent Finishing Powder on the parts of your face you dont want to be too glowy / shiny – nose, forehead, chin – for a genuinely flawless airbrushed-yet-natural finish. Here, another heads-up: I was sent Smashbox Photoset Finishing Powder, I found it very white and unnatural. There’s also a Make Up Forever HD Finishing Powder that has the result of making you look like this in photos.

Avoid. Who developed that powder? They look like they’ve been troughing cocaine, FFS.

(An aside: if you’re absolutely convinced that you NEED a full face of thick foundation, then nothing I say will stop you, I swear some people are psychologically addicted to the shit, but who am I to talk? I don’t leave the house without eyebrows. So when you’ve finished trowelling it on, please fluff a little compact powder luminizer – like MAC Soft & Gentle, or BECCA Nymph in the aforementioned ‘?’ shape. The result won’t be as gleamingly perfect, but it’s better than no luminiser at all.)

OKAY! Your skin is now perfection.

Step two: contouring.

I say ‘contouring’, you say ‘aging third-rate drag queen’. Or ‘Boy George’. But no! We’re not reinventing your face, we’ll simply be accentuating your already divine bone structure in three key areas: cheekbones, forehead, jawline. Hurrah!

Look at yourself straight-on in the mirror, preferably under a horrifyingly strong overhead light, and suck in your cheeks. Take a moment to pretend you are Marlene Dietrich. Take another moment to wonder why you have never actually seen a Marlene Dietrich movie, because you probably should, and while you’re at it, a Greta Garbo movie too, seriously, because that’s like, a grown-up thing to do.

The MAC 138 brush is the absolute best brush for contouring and the ‘official’ contouring brush from MAC does not come close; the shape of the 138 makes it literally impossible to apply too much product and it blends as it applies. Swirl the brush in a soft grey-brown-matte shade (with no orange, red or shimmer) like MAC Harmony or Kevyn Aucoin The Sculpting Powder or, if you’re very pale like moi, the Urban Decay single eyeshadow in Naked, and apply in small, light strokes from the sucked-in hollow of your cheeks up towards the middle of your ear. Remember, you’re accentuating a shadow, so it goes under your cheekbones, not on them. Then sweep the brush up the side of your forehead above your temples, then from behind your ear to your chin along the underside of your jawline, blending down into your neck.

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Contouring isn’t hard, but it will make you look draggy if you’re not very careful, and it is a skill you need to practice to perfect. Keep checking with multiple mirrors in different lights, and blend with extra translucent powder if you feel you’ve gone too far. Feeling contour-confident? Check out the Tom Ford Shade &Illuminate; palette. It’s a cream, not a powder, and takes a little more skill to apply and blend, but it’s the Dom Perignon of contouring and illuminating products. Once you’ve tried it, everything else is stale cava.

The rest of your make-up should be subtle, not dramatic, so the camera sees you, not your maquillage. A pinkish blush like Bobbi Brown Pale Pink, a neutral lip like Chanel Avant Garde, Shu Uemura eyelash curler, lashings of Dior ShowLash mascara. For bigger, brighter eyes, replace undereyeliner with a smudgy swoosh of taupe eyeshadow, and smudge a baby-fingerprint of thick gleaming cream product like MAC Pearl Cream Base or NARS The Multiple in Copacabana on the inside corner of your eye, just below and above the arch of your eyebrow, and just above your top lip. I don’t know why this makes you look better, it just does.

Warning: watch the too-thin or too-dark or too-arched eyebrow, the too-heavy liquid liner, and most of all, step away from the YSL Touche Eclat. It’s a highly reflective highlighter pen, not an undereye concealer. In photographs it grabs all the light, giving you a weird reverse-panda look, completely with tiny beady panda eyes. Trust me on that.

Voila. Everything I learned about faking photogenia, in one epic post. Now throw on some make-up, get out there and take some fabulous photos, you little scamps. If you want to read more tips about the perfect pose, and the science behind what makes someone photogenic, then (gratuitous plug) pick up Tatler in March.

Oh, and by the way. Google automatically gives me the US links now that I’m living here, but obviously you might live in the UK or Australia or India or Germany or Austria or you know, anywhere. So here are some links to sites that deliver LOTS of makeup brands for free internationally: www.feelunique.com www.strawberrynet.com www.lookfantastic.com Strawberrynet will even wrap the products as gifts, so if you live in one of those annoying countries that taxes you for international deliveries, you can claim it was a gift. Nicely played, Strawberrynet.

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On… Errol at breakfast this morning

We just moved into a new apartment! To celebrate, here’s a picture of Errol, this morning, having breakfast at The Cupping Rooms.

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On…. BROOKLYN GIRLS

Kittens, I have an announcement.

The series-previously-known-as-UNION-STREET is now called BROOKLYN GIRLS.
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Caveat! This isn’t the real cover. We’re still finalising the image and design, and it will be something very similar to this. But this cover is already on Amazon as a sort of placeholder, so I thought why the fuh not throw it on the ol’ blog, hmm?

BROOKLYN GIRLS. Doesn’t it just reek bestseller?

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On… a long overdue update

Kat just sent me this to remind me that I am a shitty blogger. I was like dude I know, I’m sorry, I suck…

I’ve said this before, but whenever I think of something I might blog about, my next thought is ‘why would anyone care what I think about that?’ so I don’t write it. Let’s face it, my opinions are just not that damn interesting. And when I see bloggers who are actually elevating blogging to an art, blogs that bubble and fizz with ideas and new things and old things (even if it’s just about lipstick and how to make the perfect pancake or 1930s advertisements for deodorant), I think, well, they’re doing it the way it should be done, but that takes hours and hours and ultimately it’s not what I do. Like Cup Of Joe, Into The Gloss, AfterDRK, Le Fashion, Refinery29, Retronaut, Sighs And Whispers, Smitten Kitchen and Humans Of New York.  Well written, smart, interesting… These are the crème de la crème of blogs. Mine is not.

So, now that I’ve given this blog post the most exciting intro ever (“my blog sucks, you’ll probably hate it”) what should I tell you about, my loves? I’ve been pretty busy writing. The problem with writing is that it’s totally internal, totally passive. I sit down, and I write. Then I stare into space for a while, and I think. Then I write some more. If I think I’ve written something funny I high five myself. If I can’t get something just how I want it, I get up and go for a walk. Every now and again I have some Lindt dark chocolate with sea salt, or Finns Crisps with Barneys Almond Butter, or blueberries, or this French tea that I love.  Then I sit back down and write some more.

After a while, I have a book, or a screenplay, or a TV show, and then I show it to some people who are much smarter than me, and we talk about it and then I go and think and work on it some more.

I like writing.

We have an amazing sitter called Riikka who makes it possible for me to do all that thinking and writing, and the rest of the time I hang out with Fox and lovely little Errol and our friends.  We go to the playground to practice Errol’s walking (he walks like a small drunk man), and to cafes, where he talks to everyone in gobbledygook and flirts with brunettes (only ever the brunettes). The other day we went to Murrays Cheese, where he had his first gourmet grilled cheese sandwich. It had pumpkin béchamel and sage and sunflower seeds. Insanely good. He has also started dancing whenever he hears music – sort of a bobbing shuffle. It is the most adorable thing I have ever seen.

Inspired by the marvellous Cup Of Joe’s Friday Round-Up Posts, here’s what else I’ve been up to…

Watching this. (Actually, I’ve been watching the All Stars, but if you haven’t seen it before, you need to start with season one.)

Drinking wine here and here.

Going to storytime here.

Eating dinner here and here and brunch here and by the way, just order the French toast when you go to Jane. I running late and just texted my sister what to order for me, I didn’t even need to see a menu, because last time I ordered a salad or something boring like that and saw it going past and thought ‘next time you are MINE, motherfucker’. And it was so.

See? Best French toast ever. Right, back to the list.

Buying these jeans for me and these PJs for Errol. (Little foxes!)

Helping with this. (Spread the word.)

Taking the baby to this. (It’s awesome.)

Reading this. (It’s also awesome.)

And you know, just thinking and writing. Above everything else I am always writing and thinking and writing and thinking and writing. Thinking and writing is boring to talk about, it’s boring to watch, but it’s wonderful to do.

What about you guys?

x

PS Oh, and I’m preparing some BIG announcements about the upcoming book series launch. But for that, sugarnutses, you’ll have to wait a little teeny weeny bit longer…

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