And it’s $8.

Get it in medium for fitted, large if you want to roll the sleeves up and tuck it into high-waisted jeans and feel really 1989 about it. It’s just the right thickness, just the right shade of blushy-but-not-sickly-pink, the shoulders and neck are *perfect* . Enjoy. It’s SPRING!

OH THE RESPONSES.

I never knew a hair accessory could be so polarizing. People either loved it, or thought that I was completely fracking insane. SO many OPINIONS. That’s cool. We can’t all like the same things at the same time, it would be so dull. So if you hate them, then I completely understand, just skip on to the next post, it’ll be a thoughtlette about something I’m reading or watching or thinking or putting on my face, I can’t remember.

Anyway! Back to the point. Right now I am very into hair accessories, for the first time since the 90s. Back then, I liked to sew tiny paper flowers onto Japanese bobby pins and create elaborate chignons. (Oh yes. Yes I did.) I also cut and glued flipflops together to make platforms like the Spice Girls. I made my own Chanel Vamp nail polish out of black and red nail polish that I purchased with my pocket money at a little Filipino shopping center called World Wide Plaza in Hong Kong, before having a tuna mayo sandwich and an Orangina at Delifrance. AH. MEMORIES.

So, this is the hair pearl barrette from Etsy. Warning: if you don’t have a lot of hair (I’m shedding like an old mutt, damn babies), it slides out pretty quickly, so you need to secure it with bobby pins.

And then we have this magnificent thing. I have worn it a gazillion times already. It’s DesignB from ASOS, has wonderful sturdy sticking power even if your hair has the emotional and physical strength of a spider’s web. It’s low in stock. If it’s sold out by the time you read this, just keep an eye on ASOS because I bet it comes back, the best things always do. In the meantime, I found you this perfect and almost identical Etsy alternative, below.

(By the way, those are not my nails.)

I’ve also been wearing my hair in a bun, tied with a scrunchie with a long thick black ribbon attached. Mine was from Urban Outfitters and sold out, alas, but I found this alternative for you. I would untie the bow right away and just leave the ribbons dangling down, like a ballet dancer on a walk of shame.

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This popped up out of my subconscious, and I thought, WAIT A MOMENT not enough people know about Bobby Benson’s Baby Band. I shall share it.

I love Bobby Benson’s sinister edge.

My other two favorite Muppet Show sketches:

I’ve just ordered this pink one. I’m going to cut the sleeves off and wear with jean shorts all summer.

PS Emma and I met when we were both marching our children around Nolita in strollers trying to get them to sleep almost seven years ago! Errol was about seven months, Emma’s daughter was about four months. Emma had a thing called a Snoozeshade over her stroller, to block out the sun, and as we paused on a corner waiting for a taxi to pass, I was like ‘WHAT is THAT magical thing’ and voila, a friendship was born. This is why I love New York.

I offered to put together my own list of ACTUAL HG products that are genuinely cheap (at least, on a cost-per-wear basis), so then I had to follow through. (Argh, following through, the worst.)

I’ve spent my entire life a writer worrying about wasting money who also happens to love anything and everything beauty, so you can trust that I’ve done the R&D. I used to write funny little beauty articles for Tatler, which is a British fashion magazine, and honestly, I mostly did it for the free make-up opportunities.

ANYWAY. None of these are particularly groundbreaking – and for those of you who know me, I’m predictable/repetitive/consistent, and have talked about most of them before. If you hate buying from Amazon I understand (and side note, how are we feeling about fakes on amazon? I bought some It’s A Ten hair stuff that was, I’m pretty sure, Fakey McFakerson, so I won’t be doing that again), so obvs buy them anywhere you want my loves, preferably somewhere with a good return policy in case you decide my suggestion is sub-par. One woman’s Holy Grail is another woman’s waste of space.

Here’s the complete list, with one reason why for each:

Salux Nylon Beauty Skin Bath Cloth. Don’t spend your hard-earned cash on grainy body exfoliants that go right down the drain: lather up with your favorite shower gel and this magical stuff instead. It feels harsh, in a good way, and it’ll make your elbows and knees feel like a baby’s bottom. With less chance of poo.

Yu-Be Glycerin Cream. I have been banging on about this stuff for years, I should buy shares in the damn company. Mix it with your normal moisturizer when your face feels dry and cracked. Wake up with perfectly boing-y skin.

Cetaphil Cleanser. This alone isn’t enough to shift my usual SPF-concealer-powder-blush sparkle. But as a quick cleanser on make-up-free days, as a second step, or even just as a light moisturizer when my skin is feeling, oh I don’t know, basic, this is unbeatable.

NARS Impassioned. A nothing-but-something blush that sculpts and lifts and makes it burn. This is the blush I wear when I want to look like a lady, and you need to use so little it’ll last forever. (I also suggest NARS Exhibit A for the same reason, but that’s less ladylike good, more roll-in-the-hay good, so, you know, whatever blows your skirt up, toots). By the way, obvs NARS isn’t the cheapest brand out there, but when it comes to blushes and eyeshadows, cheap just isn’t as good. (*Taps cigarette, gets super-intense*) The pigment quality isn’t there in powdery products, in my humble opinion. Go cheap for lipsticks and lipliners and eyeliners and mascaras and lip balms instead.

Real Techniques setting brush. Katie Jane Hughes told me to get this on one of her Instagram stories, and so I did, and she was right: it blends foundation and concealer into flawless invisibility.

Lumify Eye Drops. So OKAY, glaucoma specialists do not recommend we use this every day, but oh my GOD you guys, these are so good. No other eye drops compare. Not even those fancy-ass French ones. Or those blue ones from the UK. These. Are. The. Best.

BECCA Shimmering Skin in Pearl. Right now people are going nuts for glass skin, but it’s a swift skip from glass to greasy. This is the only product you really need for sheer glowy brilliance. (Obvs choose diff shade according to your skin tone, btw. I use Pearl, and I am v pale and kind of yellow. Like I always look like I might have jaundice. Just a little bit. I’m cool with that.)

L’Oreal Paris Make-Up Rouge Lip Stain in I Enjoy. Pat on your lips, smear around with your pinkie and pretend you’ve been drinking red wine and French-kissing someone delicious. (When you wear red lipstick, incidentally, or any reddish lip color, make sure you blot out any other redness on your face apart from your cheeks first – i.e., if you have a ruddy chin or get broken capillaries round your nose, like I do, throw some concealer on that shit.)

A-Derma Oat Milk Cleanser. This is a giant workhorse of a cleanser: a tiny amount will take off a full face of make-up in about 30 seconds.

Burts Bees Lip Balm in Sweet Violet. Oh man, I LOVE this lip balm. It makes my lips look naturally plump and pink and moist and flushed, which they most certainly are not.

Burts Bees Lip Balm in Red Dahlia. After I waxed lyrical about Sweet Violet on Instagram, I got a bunch of DMs saying ‘no try Red Dahlia GEMMA TRY RED DAHLIA OH MY GOD TRY IT WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS’ so I did, and yup, this color is ALSO AMAZING. I think this might particularly suit someone with lips that have a little more natural red color, so darling, if that’s you, meet your new best friend.

Coconut and Lemon Shower Gel. Like body exfoliants, spending $$$$ on a shower gel that lasts for *literally* 45 seconds on your body and then disappears down the drain is madness, utter madness (unless, of course, you are so obsessed with the scent that nothing else will do, which is totally valid, it’s your life, as Bon Jovi kind-of said). This stuff smells heavenly and is totally free from nasties. Two huge bottles will last you until Christmas.

Jurlique Skin Balancing Face Oil. Does it combat sun damage like it claims? That seems a stretch. But when my skin feels tired and emotional, I give myself a little massage with this stuff, and it’s all better by morning.

La Roche Posay Serozinc spray. I had a bunch of miscarriages in 2017. (Sometimes I like to say it like that, really cavalierly, although it was not a cavalier experience in the least, I imagine being a cavalier is probably rather fun.) Anyway, my hormones were bananas, obviously, and at one point I got – gasp – oily skin. I bought this to use morning and night and it helped, and I’ve kept using it, just because I like it, and I’m a loyal little thing. It feels very soothing and cool.

Shu Uemura Hard 9 Pencil in Stone Grey. Yes, this isn’t cheap per se, unless you consider that I’ve had the same pencil for like TEN YEARS and I use it EVERY DAY. I don’t know why it lasts forever, it just does. It never even needs sharpening. Perhaps it is magic? Also, grey is a weirdly perfect eyebrow color for most people. I haven’t tried it on you, so I can’t say for sure. But I’m quietly confident it will suit you, too.

Plain white facecloths. Use a freshly laundered facecloth every night to dry your face after cleansing, throw straight in the laundry, never have funny little bacteria bumps around your chin and jaw again, never waste money on facials, feel like a duchess, live forever.

Lubriderm Advanced Therapy. So cheap. So, so good. I lube up my entire bod a couple of times a week after a bath, put on clean cotton pajamas, drink a cup of herbal tea and eat dark chocolate and read a beauty blog or two, and yeah man, hashtag winning.

Amore Pacific Treatment Enzyme Peel. You need about a quarter teaspoon of this powder, once a week. It’ll last you forever. Especially good when you’ve been wearing heavy SPF in summer. Watch out for acid moisturizers after (glycolic, lactic, etc); this stuff isn’t as gentle as it looks.

Butt paste. Or Sudocrem, if you’re not in the US. This is pure zinc oxide, which heals and calms irritated skin and is great for red chapped noses when you have a cold, red marks after blemishes, in-grown hairs, and so on and so forth, you name it, this fixes it.

Mise En Scene Damage Care Perfect Repair Serum. Long name, small bottle, big results. (Bigly!) (Just kidding.) (Ugh, sorry.) Like a pep talk for your hair – this adds strength and shine to my embattled old tresses. 

I love anything from Leslye Headland – I have seen Bachelorette so many times, it’s borderline unhealthy, and quotes pop into my head constantly (“You guys had an abortion without me?” is my favorite, but there are like seven or eight others, plus the entire hotel pool scene). I will watch (and rewatch) and read (and reread) anything she writes, and the only other person I could say that about is Simon Rich. Hmmm actually and Phoebe Fleabag-Whatserface. And Stephen Falk, now that I think about it, and actually let’s stop naming amazing writers, let’s talk about Russian Doll. It’s on Netflix. It’s smart and furious and hilarious. At one point, Natasha Lyonne’s character describes herself as the love child of Andrew Dice Clay and the kid from Brave. I melted with joy.

Oh. And this isn’t a spoiler, but just a fun fact that a book called Emily Of New Moon features in the show, and it was my no.1 favorite book for YEARS AND YEARS in childhood. (And the sequels: Emily Climbs and Emily’s Quest, because Lord knows I love a series.) Mind. Blown. No one knows Emily Of New Moon. NO ONE. And despite moving countries and houses more times than can possibly be healthy, I still have my original copy of Emily Of New Moon (and all my other LM Mongomerys, and Daddy Long Legs and Pollyanna and What Katy Did and Mallory Towers and St Clare’s and I don’t know why I only read books about girls in the olden days I mean seriously what the hell?).

It was a hard year. I’m so grateful and fortunate that a year later, I had Arthur.

And I wasn’t sure whether to ever talk about it. I’m hardly the confessional self-analyzing type. There are so many more interesting and important things in the world to talk and think about than me. But after I had Arthur, I remembered how when I was going through that hard year, I searched high and low for uplifting and understanding articles about multiple miscarriages. And I couldn’t find any (apart from this lovely one). Just horror story after horror story. And awful statistics. I was paralyzed with sadness, and I wanted someone to say to me: I know you are sad, my darling, but I’ve been there, and I survived, and so will you.

So, since I couldn’t find the essay I wanted at the time, I wrote my own.

Here is a very flattering photo that they took of me for the piece.

Incidentally, I used to look for similar uplifting empathy in literature when I was heartbroken, in my 20s – oh so many heartbreaks! – and when I couldn’t find any modern, genuinely funny stories about real girls who fucked and drank and partied and loved their jobs and made mistakes with men, I wrote my own, and that was how I became an author, despite never really wanting to be an author. Now I write screenplays, and I tend to write things that I want to read or watch, and can’t find. But enough about me! How are you?

]]> http://gemmaburgess.com/blog/?feed=rss2&p=3233 0 http://gemmaburgess.com/blog/?p=3218 http://gemmaburgess.com/blog/?p=3218#comments Mon, 04 Feb 2019 16:30:26 +0000 GemmaBurgess http://gemmaburgess.com/blog/?p=3218 I wear a lot of sneakers. (Trainers, if you will. Treads. Runners. Every time I move countries, I have to learn new names for a bunch of different shit. Luckily I am a nimble little wordsmith. Although just there, I couldn’t think of a term that felt better than ‘bunch of different shit’. Hmm.)

I used to wear flat Converses with elastic backs for easy slip-on-slip-off. SO chic and cute. Especially when they get all beaten up, and you have (faux) tan legs in summer. But then my back and hips went kaput (woe is me). Flat shoes are BAD for backs, my loves.

So now, I wear high-top Converses with a one-inch insert to give me a little lift and save my aching back. And! Elastic laces so I don’t need to worry about the 90 seconds it takes to tie them up, particularly because if I crouch down for any reason, I’m liable to have at least one small boy throw himself at me for a piggyback. With elastic laces, I can instead spend that 90 seconds 1. applying some extra make-up because it always helps  2. begging aforementioned small boys to eat something (no for real, how are these my children? My mother once said I was the kind of child who ate everything ‘that wasn’t nailed to the ground’) 3. downloading a podcast and actually we should talk about podcasts soon 4. remembering the baby’s diaper bag (which is, literally, just a diaper and a couple of wipes in a sandwich bag, shoved in my pocket, because I like living on the edge, and if the baby has a serious poo-splosion I’m going home anyway).

Tiny little lift for your flat shoes.

Elastic laces for easy slip-on-slip-off.

I own high-top Converses in silver sequins, gold sequins, and leopard print, and wow, I… did not realize that I do not have even one normal plain pair of Converses. Hmm. How telling. However, sequined Converses are TOTALLY a neutral and go with everything. Jeans and a hoodie? Yes. Cocktail dress and red lipstick? Also, yes. Smart pants for work? Of COURSE yes. Whatever ices your cupcake, toots. I wore sequined Converses for my wedding reception, and that was quite possibly one of the best decisions I ever made.

Plus: the crappier and more used the sequined Converses get, the cooler they are. I don’t know why it works that way. It just does.

I like these. I wonder if I should get them.

Maybe a pink pair. Pink is also a neutral.

While we’re on the subject of footwear, when I’m at home writing, which is most of the time, I wear these Heat Holders socks.Oh, how I love Heat Holders. No other sock compares. They are like wearing warm fireplace puppy cuddles on your feet. They make me SO happy. (Unless I’m trying to write but feeling sleepy. My husband and his brother had a theory when they were at college: cold feet wake you up and make you study harder. They would take off their shoes and socks in the depths of the Irish winter, and cram. And it kind of works. So in deadline situations, my feet are bare-ass naked.)

Next, I’m reading The Time Traveller’s Guide To Elizabethan England, and I cannot wait.